They could have been closer
by hermine-sur-isle
Summary: Honesty but still little awkwardness when Dr. Clarkson and Mrs. Crawley meet for a dinner after so long.


_WARNING : This is officially my first attempt to write fan fiction. English is not my first langague and I am affraid there are a lot of mistakes with the way I write. So don't be shy to send me a mail with correction and advices :). And sorry if there is some misunderstanding with some meanings. But I cannot write Richobel another than english. _

_Yes,so there is some richobel shipper on this website who can't get over them even with the turn of events in DA and I totally understand because I am one of them. So it was a kind of a duty to add a Richobel story before we lose all hopes..._

_I take the liberty to add a character who doesn't exist in DA. I just create a niece (Catherine) to Dr. Clarkson. She might represent or be inspired by any Richobel writers who thinks those two needs a little push from someone else who is closer to him than the Dowager Countess :)_

_Take care and hope you Enjoy !_

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><p><em><strong>They could have been closer<strong>_

They where sitting by the fire place. He was drinking a whiskey, thinking in front of the flames. Catherine was looking at him, not sure how to tell him. It was not a big thing, but it might be. From the very least, it was for them, for Mrs. Crawley and him, that it could become one. She was imagining things turning romanticly for them, and she wanted to help in any way to bring back the fire between them by organizing the may-be-not-big-thing-but-should-be-one-big if things where at least less desesparate or if events had not thurn the way the were supposed to.

Well, she told him straight .

- I invite Mrs. Crawley to dine with us tomorrow.

- Oh… Really? Are you hoping something I think you're hoping? Or hoping to manage, or whatever hoping. This is too late you know. She has make our choice with this fellow.

- It's you who are jumping to conclusion my dear uncle. I don't know exactly what you are implying, well… I am not trying anything you might think you might relayed on me to do. I just invite her to dine with us, in this house. That's it.

- And You might also have said: dine with me, because I know what you are planning. You will sneak out of the house just before she comes, tell me some ridiculous plan or pretext to leave us two alone.

- And I would be right to do so, and you will be forever in my debt, and you will thank god I manage things right to bring you and Mrs. Crawley together. Am I not right?

She was looking at him with a proud smile. He was a bit cross, and tired about this subject. Everybody seems to think that he belongs to her, to Mrs. Crawley. But that's not true. At least not anymore..

- She doesn't belong to me, she choose a good fellow for her. And they are well suited together. I assure you, I have seen them with my very eyes, so I have nothing to say about it. And I will not mention this subject anymore. And you will do the same, and mind your own business, my dear niece.

Catherine was looking at him. Not sad because he has talked to her in such a way, but because she wanted him not to be right (and the sad thing was that he might be so). And because he seems to have lost all hope concerning Mrs. Crawley. And the worst thing, he seems not to care anymore.

- Why are you so detached about that? Why are you mad at me because I am trying something to … to… arrange thing, to fix things between you. There was time when you were so closed. You could have been closer you know, and you don't want to try anything to at least….

- That's it Catherine, you've just said it. We could, Mrs. Crawley and I, have been closer, and it's really too late now. There is nothing to fix, nothing to do. We are too far away from each other's now. We even don't meet for tea anymore. This story, if there was one, belongs to another time, another world… That's just it, Catherine, and I don't want to talk about it anymore.

She was almost sure he wanted to add: _I don't want to have any hopes..._

- Well… She is coming tomorrow… even if you like it or not… she can still be your friend…

- Yes, I can and I will. But don't expect me to go further.

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><p>She put her blue dress on. Some pearls, arrange her hair, and that was it. She was heading to the doctor's cottage. She had a funny thought about Catherine who could decided being away, as another time in the past, when she invited her at the cottage and then left them for the evening to set them together. She remember that they, Dr. Clarkson and her, laugh about it, the last time, and they had not really cared, just had found it cute and caring. She confess to herself, for a second or two, that she would enjoy to be left alone with him, just for some minutes, why not, to remember for a minute that they indeed could have been closer. It was so far away now. He was so far away, or maybe it was her who was so far away, dreaming and thinking of this so enjoyable Lord. Anyway, she wanted to be his friend, to be back as being his good friend. She wanted to share things with him. To be able to be truthful.<p>

So she headed up to the doctor's cottage. Having strangely butterflies in her stomach, being oddly fearful, in a positive way, about the developments of the night.

* * *

><p>So Mrs Crawley knocked at the cottage's door. Two Time, three time. With no answers.<p>

On the other side, in the cottage's kitchen, Dr. Clarkson was trying to calm down and to decide what to do. Catherine has left for the night with some stupid pretext to get out, as she did in the past. He was afraid that his meeting with Mrs. Crawley would be not nice and laughable in a good way like the last time Catherine did the same thing, but afraid it will be awkward and disappointing. He was so shy to open the door. He realizes at the moment that he did finally still care about her, and that he would do some mistake related to his caring, and he will make her go and lose her and her friendship, already on the decline. Well, whatever, he has to do something. Even if it will be a mistake.

And he finally open the door.

- Good evening Mrs. Crawley.

- Good evening Dr. Clarkson. I hope I am not a nuisance or I am not interrupting anything…

- No, you are not. Well, actually, Catherine changes her plan and she just left actually 10 minutes ago. She told me that she was meeting Rose McClare to go to a dance party.

- Well… I can leave, I mean, I don't want to disturb you. It was her idea after all and she did invite me yesterday…

_She was so shy. Why they had become this distant to one another?_

- Oh no don't leave. Don't mind her. I am sure she will give you and I a good explanation the next time she saw you. Well, I made supper for three and so I was actually waiting for you, so I don't see why you will leave. I mean… this diner was planned, no?

He was so trying to make her comfortable and well invited.

- Well… yes... if you are sure about it…

- Of course, I am. Please, come in.

She was now standing in the middle of his living room, close to the fire place. So beautiful she was. All dressed in blue. All beautiful. He remember now the feeling he use to have for her. The feelings he certainly still have for her, feeling those ever tickling in the bottom of his stomach when he just look at her for this very second.

- I am so very sorry about Catherine. She is just so foolish and distract. This is a glass of the red wine she actually bought this very morning for tonight's diner. Well, there it is. I hope it will be a kind of excuse from her part.

- Oh don't worry about her. I just hope she has fun tonight. And that we will as well, don't you think. I mean. We don't do it often. I mean not as often as we used to.

- You're right. And I am very glad that you feel that way. I was afraid about… well don't worry about that. Let's say I am just relieve that you're ok with this dinner.

- Of course I am. What have you cooked ? May I take a look in the kitchen?

She was trying to ease the mood but he was glad to realize and to see that the mood was relatively good and easy so far. That they were relatively open to each other outside of this little awkwardness he feared.

Dinner has been great. They talked openly. Openly even about Merton and her relation to him.

- He ask me to marry him you know.

- I know, well… I think I knew… well, the way you're… looking at him, with him… I guess, you're well suited to each other's.

- Really? Do you mean it?

- Yes, I do. Actually I do. I don't know if I should tell you this… maybe I shouldn't, I will probably be in trouble. Or not, as long as you are my friend and I can thrust you to not go back at this person…

- What…? What are you talking about? Of course I am your friend. I mean, I hope I am. I hope we can tell each other's anything and thrust one another. What is it?

- Well… The dowager countess came to see me you know. To talk to me about Merton and you. Don't be afraid, she didn't told me anything exactly. She was just… well… talking… she is funny. She never put thing straight, you know. She wanted me to interfere in a way. I think she doesn't want you to become a lady. But she will never say it directly and properly. She is just acting like it without ever saying it. She doesn't want you to… let's say… climb the social ladder… but she will never confess it in a complete honest way. She is just annoyed by that, but I am sure she is happy for you. You're her friend you know, and she knows as well as me that you and Merton are well suited together.

She was a bit taken aback by his speech, but in a way not surprise by what he was telling about her cousin Violet.

- This is a speech. I really feel this the most honest thing I have heard in so many times. And you made me realize… well…

- What? What is it? You know you can tell me anything.

- I don't know. Well I should know but I forget how it was so easy to talk to you when I was becoming to think that we were so far away from one another. And it is not just a question of friendship. I feel it is a question of … situation to… I don't know how to get it out without you thinking of me jugging and out of mind.

- Why should I think that? You know, I think we are well started for speech and confession this evening, don't you think? I don't think we should stop.

- Yeah. You are right. But you will see, it might be completely silly of me to think that. Especially when I am generalizing from one event or one situation.

- What is it then, just tell me. What is it not just a question of friendship and a question of what?

- Honesty, real honesty and opening without social retained or barrier. This is completely silly of me to say that when I just have an offer of marriage of a great eloquence who seemed sincere, from a member of… let say from someone who comes from a class that I now accuse of not being forthright. It is that, I wanted to tell and I realize. Even if there is something, even if it feel open with him, it is never as open as it is right now, do you know what I mean? I never could be completely free of speech when I am with them. You know, in the great house. I love them. And I am trying to be as free as I could be but I am never completely free. There is always some retained, some stupide small talk, some honesty always hidden by a beautiful turn of phrase, by wit well placed. I am not like that. I just want to be honest. To not retain myself because we are not supposed to say some sort of things or talk of other kind of things. Do you know what I mean? I think you do, I hope you do. I am not stupidly complaining about me having them as my friends and my family. I am just talking about what I really feel about, talking and ….

- I know exactly what you mean, Isobel, and what you are talking about, and you say it so beautifully…

He has forgotten the way she could talk, the way she thinks and how she would explain thing so convincingly. He called her Isobel without thinking probably because He was carried away by her speech. How did they arrive at being so far from each other as they understood so well only in a short time, even after being so far away and forget so quickly after so long? How could they forget to love, and in a major way, why he loved her, and more, importantly he realizes, why he _loves_ her? Yes, he said to himself, if they were talking about honesty, why should he not keep going on it?

- Mrs. Crawley, really, I forget about that. I forget about why I ….

He definitely stopped himself. He didn't want to rush things. How to say things that will make her go. Things were going well…

- What? Well I am so glad you understand, I feel that I just realize how important you were for me, I mean it you know. This is a kind of relieve, a kind of strange relieve, actually, because, it's like I forgot who I really was for so long, and I just figure it out only in a few minutes while talking openly with you. I feel strange because I just realize right know that I didn't realize until now that I did forget about myself. I don't know if this is right, you know. Well, this is twisted, I don't know if you understand what I just say. But… What were you going to say? Please tell me.

- I assure you that I totally understand and I am so glad to see you back… in that way. I am relieved too. I am so glad to give you this momentum, if at least I gave you a little inspiration for it. I hope we can keep going being completely honest. I was going to say that I forgot … well… I have actually no right to say what I was going to say…

- We are talking of honesty Dr. Clarkson, this is silly of me if I am refusing to hear what you want to say… We were well started, as you said before…

_And then he took her hands in his_. Looking at them, and then looking in her eyes. It could have been only a great friendly gesture, but it was not. And she might be realizing it. He should not have did that, he knows, not after what he said and he thinks about Merton and her, but for one time in his life, and because this conversation about honesty they were having, and all of it, and because it was also the first time in weeks and even in months that he was so close to her, and it was the first time he was so intimate with her in this way.

And it took some times before he speaks again. Some minutes, maybe.

Mrs. Crawley seemed to froze, or to be unsure, while she seemed also strangely relieved by his gesture.

And then he speaks, the most liberated as he could.

- You know, I should not do what I am doing. Taking your hands like this. But I also think I should, as you say and you suggest, be completely honest, not just with you but with myself too. But the contents of my honesty might not be what you wish and what you deserve…

- Dr. Clarkson, honesty is exactly just about it. It is what we dare to listen at no matter what are it contains, as long as it is true.

Yes, Mrs. Crawley, that is to say Isobel, was not going to let this go. She has to know, completely. And those words from her give Dr. Clarkson to courage to continue.

- I should not tell you that, especially after what I told you what I think about Merton and you, not after what I told you about the little chat I had with the dowager Countess. Well this has nothing do to with all of this to be honest. This is all to do with all the things I feel and I used to feel. I thought I had lose you, in a way… You know, well, let me just tell you, and there it is. I loved you. In the past, I loved you, I … we were in some way becoming closer, I nearly ask you to marry me in the fair in Thirsk. But things went all wrong. I didn't express my feelings then, and I was too shy to do it after… I was afraid to break things between us, I was afraid to break this wonderful friendship we had. I was afraid you would run away and never came back. Well, I didn't do anything. Well, I tried sometime, some little tries about telling you or showing you that I care, but whatever, I stopped every times it could become compromising…

He laughs, on a sad and yet sincere laugh. She smile. And she didn't show any sight of fear or disgust. She was listening carefully, having still her hands in his, and looking so dearly at him. He said he loved her. Could he still love her?

- Well, I saw you becoming closer with Merton. You seem to start to be happy again, I mean after Matthew… Well, I … and then we… we kind of lose track of each other. We seemed to… I don't know... Your life seemed to take another path and I don't blame you for that… we seemed so far away from one another. And then you are here. Speaking freely as we used to do, as we used to do when we were friends… When we used simply but happily to share a cup of tea or a dinner. And I realize suddenly that this love I thought I had for you is not gone. There is still so much love and admiration for you when you speak freely as you did tonight. And of course, this not just because of that. You show up with your beautiful blue dress and I cannot detached for one second my eyes off you. You are there, and I just want to tell you that if it doesn't work with this Lord Merton, well, I will be there for you. I am here for you. I mean I don't wish you to leave him. I so want you to be happy. In any way. I know I was becoming to think, even to be sure that you are well suited with him. That you certainly belong to him. But, I am afraid, it seemed, the way I feel, that I am not completely over you. And I am so sorry to confuse you if I am doing so, but….

She suddenly stopped him from talking. Placing a fingers on his mouth. She is looking at him, so deeply.

- I will try something, don't be alarm. Don't think me too much forward. I will…

- Oh you know, forwardness is what I admire you the most for, you know that don't you… Isobel?

She looked at him. Still deeply. She stand up from her sit and came to sit beside him. She touch his cheek in a so tenderly way…

- I hope you will like this kind of forwardness that I am going to try on you, Richard…

And then she kissed him. And there they are in front of the fire place in Dr. Clarkson's cottage, kissing one another tenderly, and neither of them seem to want to stop the other.


End file.
